


Kakuzu lands in jail and Hidan has to bail him out somehow

by Frostberry



Series: Kakuzu and Hidan being very Australian dickheads [7]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, Other, Queerbaiting, Torture, bunnings sausage sizzle, hidan is a cunt, hidan what the fuck, kakuzu is a cunt, like i mean actual torture not like you reading it is torture though it might be, tw: torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-03-08 13:17:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13459053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostberry/pseuds/Frostberry
Summary: Sixth segment in the series where Hidan and Kakuzu are Australian Dickheads. In this difficult segment, Hidan kills someone in Kakuzu's lounge room, but Kakuzu gets arrested for the murder instead. Hidan and Deidara now have to figure a way of obtaining a shitload of money for bail.





	1. Book of Jashinism for Dumbasses, Chapter 8, Verse 5: Shut the fuck up

Kakuzu was drinking a cup of tea and reading  _ Banksters _ , a novel about corruption in the financial world, which he was rather fond as a hobby. He dropped his tea on the carpet when Hidan banged his way in by kicking his foot into the flyscreen and then the door, splitting the wood with an almighty crack.

 

“Sup, Mr White,” he greeted Kakuzu cheerfully, and went back to drag in something through the door in what sounded like suspiciously like tarp. Kakuzu stared at Hidan’s face curiously. He had managed to get a black sharpie and some white paint from somewhere and completely cover his face, neck and arms. He looked like one of those entertainers who slathered body paint on and did stupid fire swirling exercises in front of crowds. 

 

Kakuzu was more concerned about the tea he had spilled on the floor, thinking Hidan had brought another dead body to be dumped at the cemetery again. But it moved, giving a high pitched squeak of terror, so it was in fact, alive. But when Kakuzu spotted that familiar blonde he worked with, he stilled.

 

“Relax, I crunched her phone up,” said Hidan casually, putting a rope around Ino Yamanaka’s neck, and a rag was in her mouth to stop her from screaming. Ino looked pleadingly at Kakuzu.

 

“Don’t kill her here.” Her terrified face went ashen. Hidan dropped her unceremoniously, and she hit the floor with a bang. He then put one knee into her back and pulled the rope, strangling her to the point where she could not inhale fully. Tears flooded her cheeks. 

 

“This bitch accused me of killing Choiji. I would  _ never ever  _ do such a thing, so she has to go.” 

 

“Really? Because currently Choji seems to be rotting away right now in the cemetery in my reserved grave because of you, you fucking idiot.” 

 

“There’s a difference between  _ sacrificing  _ and  _ killing  _ people, Kakuzu.” 

 

Kakuzu didn’t even bother to reply, as that was an excellent way for Hidan to decide to argue about this.

 

Ino did a sort of scream and Hidan pulled her ponytail and held a collapsible spear on her cheek, so several drops of blood would come out and leak down to her neck. “Book of Jashinism for Dumbasses, Chapter 8, Verse 5: Shut the fuck up,” he hissed, “Or I will  _ shoot _ your fucking cat.”

Kakuzu could hear a ‘eh ehe ehe’ which meant, “I don’t have a cat.” 

 

_ Oh Jesus Christ.  _

 

“Well, you can't spell slaughter without laughter,” he suddenly said cheerily, flipping her over so her back was on the floor. One of the spears Hidan usually carried around with him as a weapon was in the form of a small rod, he shook it like a pen not working. It extended to a large, sharp rod, and pushed Ino’s hand into the tarp with the sharp end so she wouldn’t move. 

 

Kakuzu didn’t even flinch, more concerned about getting blood on the carpet. He was already thinking about how to deal with Hidan’s idiotic mistake of going after a colleague. He thought about making Hidan change his identity completely and shipping him off somewhere else, maybe throw him onto an island in the Pacific for the rest of his life where he could sacrifice as much fish as he wanted. 

 

“Turn the lights out, would you?” 

 

Kakuzu sighed, and obeyed. 

 

“Lord Jashin, I will prove my faith! A sacrifice for you!” declared Hidan, ignoring Kakuzu’s eye-rolling. “Everything is prepared! Oh wait, Except…” 

 

“What’s with the sharpie-art?” Kakuzu pointed at Hidan’s face, while he was rummaging through his Liqourland shopping bag. He took out a packet of candles and a gas lighter. He placed the candles around Ino in a circle, lighting each one carefully. The black cats all sauntered in now from the dog flap at Kakuzu’s back door, their green eyes lighting up in the darkness of Kakuzu’s lounge room. 

 

Hidan shrugged. “She put up a fight, I smacked her head into the asphalt, blood came out, now I look like a panda fucked a human. Looks neat, doesn’t it?” His teeth were pearly white in his black and white complexion as he grinned.

 

Kakuzu sighed and put his teacup in the sink, side-stepping over the terrified Ino to get there. 

 

“Just… just hurry up.” 

 

“This shit takes time.” Hidan complained,  without looking over at Kakuzu as he washed his teacup and put the fine china down on the sink to dry. 

 

“I’m an impatient man.” 

 

“Yeah whatever, remind me to add that to your Okcupid profile, Heisenberg.” 

 

Hidan began whispering prayers to himself, kissing his pendant every sentence or so. It was all mumbo-jumbo bullshit to Kakuzu, but in English. Something about blood, sacrifice, body parts, war and hell.

 

The thirteen black cats all started to go in a circle around Ino silently. “Ew, she’s pissed herself,” Hidan interrupted his speech to Ino about being washed in human fat soap after the ritual,

“We’re nearly done, sweetheart.” 

 

“You would piss yourself too, if you were about to die.” Kakuzu pointed out. 

 

“You wish I would.” 

 

Usually, Hidan’s lack of empathy did not faze Kakuzu, but his excitement was extremely disturbing, Kakuzu found. Kakuzu had never actually seen Hidan kill someone, even after knowing him for several years. Hidan’s total body count, he knew, was much higher than his own. Kakuzu was more of kill-in-a-fit-of-anger or get-paid-to-screw-up-a-heart-transplant type of murderer, whereas Hidan, it seemed, got a kind of sick pleasure out of slaughter. The joy of taking away somebody’s life, causing anguish for their family, was all part of the fun for him.

 

Hidan rummaged around in another bag now, a red Cotton On one this time, getting out several more black spears; this time they were dipped in silver. “These are my special spears.” They shone in the candlelight as Hidan stuck the sharp end slightly into his arm, drops falling onto Ino’s body. She had gone silent. Kakuzu was starting to get a headache from the vanilla scented $5 for 30 pack of tealights Hidan had lit up. 

 

He didn’t speak the entire time Ino was tortured, which he just watched. Kakuzu felt this was wrong somehow. He knew Ino had a husband who worked at Yamanaka Flowers, and a four year old son. The fact that she was connected to Choji, the fat man currently rolling around above Shikamaru’s grave, was also a concern of Kakuzu’s. 

 

After around forty five minutes of Hidan’s insane recitations, all Kakuzu wanted to do was go to bed. He got a knife from the kitchen, stalked up to Ino, and was about to slice her neck open to end it quickly, when Hidan grabbed the blade with a snarl, the knife going clean through the palm of his hand. Ino screamed once more, and they looked down to see blood coming from the palm of her hand - from the same spot where the knife had cut Hidan. Hidan took one of his silver sacrificing spears and swiftly stabbed it into his own leg. Blood burst from Ino’s thigh. The cats continued to circle them, unfazed.

 

“I didn’t know I could do that,” Hidan said, slightly taken aback. 

 

_ Stab stab stab. _ He pushed the spear through many places of his own body, and the injuries instead appeared on Ino, almost resembling red flowers blooming into her skin. Hidan’s eyes rolled to the ceiling. 

 

“Whoa… God has given me a new gift, Kakuzu. And it feels  _ great! _ ” 

 

From what Kakuzu observed, whatever Hidan did to mutilate himself, it somehow redirected the injury to Ino, like one of those voodoo dolls you could stick pins in. Kakuzu decided to not intervene, waiting for Hidan to finish his stupidly long ritual.

 

Finally, with Ino unconscious from pain and fright, Hidan pierced his own heart with the utmost satisfaction, the spear going straight through the other side of his body and through his fabric of his hoodie. 

 

***

 

“She works at my bank, you know.” Kakuzu said, after Hidan had calmed down from the ecstasy of committing bloody murder in Kakuzu’s lounge room. He was wiping his spears with a packet of antibacterial wipes now. The cats had slowly dispersed after the ritual. 

 

“Yeah I know.” Hidan replied, not caring at all. “She’s wearing that ugly uniform you wear. And?” 

 

“You’re fucked and most likely going to jail.” 

 

“This is your house, and  _ you _ are mostly likely fucked and going to jail.” said Hidan, grabbing up the tarp and standing on a few tealights in the process, which didn’t burn him even though he was barefoot. He scrunched Ino up into a tarp ball, using the rope on the edges to tie her up. 

 

“Right, I’m done. Pity we don’t have some sort of monster to come and eat her.” 

 

***

 

That night they were dumping her remains at the cemetery down the road where Choji and Shikamaru were buried. Kakuzu was just angry. 

 

He had spent his entire life getting away with shit that could have had him executed instead of the Australian standard of jail where you are hush-hushed up for life, living on mashed potatoes and peas for eternity. Angry that Hidan, potentially, could have ruined his life by dragging his victim to his house because she’d paid him out for killing Choji.

 

***

 

The next day at work Kakuzu pretended not to know why Ino wasn’t there. And the day after that, when she still didn’t turn up. A missing persons report went through before the twenty four hour waiting period was up, and Itachi and Kisame turned up at Kakuzu’s office several days later.

 

“I have called her phone multiple times and it’s turned off,” Kakuzu explained to them, pretending he had no idea what was going on. They nodded and Kisame scribbled a few notes down on a shark notepad from Daiso. “I assume she has gone on holiday and has not notified us.” 

 

Hidan was to be interviewed next, after Sakura told the police that Hidan mentioned killing someone around the day Choji disappeared. She was very upset. 

 

“You do realise that Hidan is an absolute liar, right?” 

 

“Why did he say he ‘killed someone and needed to see Kakuzu the day Choji disappeared? Why does he come into the bank so often?” Sakura asked, when the final customer in the bank left, so they had a moment to themselves. Kakuzu chose to ignore the first questions. 

 

“...Because he is incapable of managing his own finances,” he said, finally. 

 

Sakura was pale and scared now, Kakuzu could see it on her face. “I shouldn’t have told her about that Hidan guy,” she said. “I’m sorry. I messed up.” 

 

Kakuzu moved away from the till, which was usually Ino’s job. He had to fill in during her supposed absence. “I can assure you Hidan has nothing to do with Ino disappearing.” 

 

“Would Hidan hurt a fly?” Sakura suddenly asked. 

 

Kakuzu paused, not expecting that question. “No, he wouldn’t hurt a fly.” Truthfully, Kakuzu had never actually _ seen _ him hurt a fly - shouting ‘go fucking get it’ at his dog didn’t technically count.

 

Hidan was all pissy when he stomped into Kakuzu’s office a few hours later, Taki at his side. Kakuzu noticed he had no leash. “I said I’ve been staying at yours. Sharkboy and Lavagirl turned up for my interrogation about that dumb blonde.” 

 

Kakuzu knew he meant Itachi and Kisame, but ignored it. “I’ve only got one bed.” 

 

“You have two, Taki’s got a dog bed. They don’t need to know I black out on your couch after a good long, hard day of doing jack shit.”

 

“Why didn’t you god damn say where you  _ actually  _ live?” Kakuzu growled. 

 

“I know I’m dumb, but Jesus Fucking Christ on a cuntbike, you really have a low IQ today, fuck me. YOU HAVE STUPID FUCKING DRUGS AT YOUR PROPERTY.” Hidan almost shouted from his office, enough for the bank to almost go silent. 

 

***

 

The next day Kakuzu opened the front door of the drug house with a bang and stomped in.

“You have no  _ fucking  _ right as a landlord to come in without 24 hours notice-”

“Watch me,” Kakuzu said, coldly. “You need to fill these forms in if you want to keep staying here.”

 

Hidan glanced uninterestedly at the piles of stapled paper Kakuzu had shoved in his face. “And here’s your wallet. You left it at the bank.” Very delicately and somewhat uncharacteristically of him, he placed it on top of the immortal manchild’s silvery head. 

 

There was banging in the distance, doors shutting and opening, and suddenly a drill. Kakuzu had brought cash in hand workers on to redo the entire kitchen. 

 

“Get out of bed,” he said, just as the blue collar workers in fluro vests came in with machines.

“What’s fucking going on, yeah?” A sleepy Deidara emerged, rubbing his eyes and wearing onesie covered in pictures of Campbell’s Soup cans. He then looked slightly alarmed at the extremely acerbic look on Kakuzu’s face. 

 

“Dickhead here is currently under suspicion of murdering someone,” said Kakuzu.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if he did, yeah.”

“Loads of people vanish all the time,” said Hidan. “Why do I have to fucking be suspicious?” 

 

“Because you fucking told a woman at my work you killed someone  _ the day  _ that person went missing,” said Kakuzu. “Now you’re under surveillance. You also do stupidly long animal sacrifices in my house.” (Technically humans  _ were  _ animals, but Deidara did not need to know that). “Get rid of your Jashin evidence bullshit, or I’ll be next. And sign those fucking papers for Pain,  _ now _ .”

“Jeez dickbag…” Hidan said, grabbing a ballpoint pen from Kakuzu’s hard grip. “Ya making me work, honestly… this is slave fucking labour, you know.” 

 

***

 

The large Bunnings store, a deep Sherwood green, had been repainted recently. Kakuzu locked the ute and put his wallet in the back pocket of his jeans. He looked up at the sky. It was a grey, miserable day, which suited his mood. 

 

He didn’t even want to go to Bunnings. He had gone and taken everything which could have had even a spot of human blood or DNA that wasn’t his or Hidan’s to the rubbish dump, which included the carpet on which Hidan had sacrificed Ino a few days before. With Kakuzu’s experience as doctor, he had always been careful to painstakingly dispose of the evidence. Hidan on the other hand just didn’t fucking care, claiming God would never let him go to jail. 

 

There was a ping from his phone to say that Pain had dropped him a text saying  _ picked up what I needed, thank you  _ which meant he had just gone to Hidan’s to get the weed that was growing there (leaving some for Deidara and Sasori). 

 

“Do you want onions?” Hidan’s voice broke his thoughts. Bunnings held sausage sizzles on the weekends, usually fundraising for the local community. Hidan held in his hand a black leather wallet, which Kakuzu recognised as his own. 

 

“...Yes.” 

 

Hidan must have pickpocketed it from him in the few seconds he was reading the text from Pain. He opened it, searching for coins.

 

“Your driver's license photo is ugly as fuck, by the way. You must have everything on bankcard, what’s with the lack of cash in here…” Hidan wandered off, ignoring the cars which beeped their horns at him when he walked right in front of them. It was a common occurrence, as Hidan never looked left or right. He was too busy looking through Kakuzu’s wallet. Hidan wondered why he had a card for private health insurance, but then realised Kakuzu was not a Jashinist, as he elbowed his way through the queue to the front of the barbeque, which the people outside Bunnings did not object to as they were too polite. 

 

“Two sausages.” Hidan  _ almost  _ said please, but thought better of it. 

 

“That will be three dollars.” Said the man opposite Hidan, wearing an apron and holding a pair of tongs in his hand. They clicked as Hidan handed the coins over and then received two beef sausages in white bread and a napkin, one of them covered in onions. Hidan slathered his own in tomato sauce, before suddenly hearing the screech of police sirens approaching. 

 

He turned, wondering where they were coming from, as two of the vehicles with their blue and red lights flashing away in the winter sun, stopped nearby in the car park. Hidan thought maybe someone was shoplifting, until he saw a familiar head of black hair around forty metres away, and stopped in his tracks.

 

“Kakuzu!” Hidan shouted, pushing past the crowds which had started to gather in interest. The police slammed their doors shut and surrounded Kakuzu. Kakuzu didn’t resist, but he looked over at Hidan, who was almost on the verge of panicking. “Kakuzu!” he shouted again. One of them pushed Kakuzu into the side of the police car, and he saw the glint of handcuffs, as an officer came to move the crowd along. “Nothing to see here,” he demanded, and stopped Hidan with a heavy arm. 

 

“Piss off!” said Hidan, looking pissed, then holding up his hand with the food in it. “He needs his Bunnings sausage!” 

 

The officer looked uninterested in Hidan’s shitty excuse to get nearer to Kakuzu. Out the corner of his eye, he could see the ute they had come to Bunnings in was being clamped down.  _ Fuck _ . Hidan wasn’t the sort to panic, as God always took care of him and watched him from above to make sure he would stay out of trouble, but how the hell was he supposed to get home? 

 

“He can get his sausage later. I’m not supposed to say what’s happening. This is strictly confidential business. Go away.” 

 

The officer pushed Kakuzu’s head into the back of one of the police vehicles and within several seconds, they had sped off, leaving Hidan behind with two sausages, and Kakuzu’s wallet. 

 

TO BE CUNT-INUED 


	2. Bombsucking Cunts

At this point, several years ago, Hidan would have not given a flying fuck that anyone - including Deidara or Sasori, would wind up in jail. But maybe, maybe he should  _almost_  feel like this was his fault somehow. **  
**

He shrugged, watching the police disappear back into the city. It wasn’t his fault Kakuzu was going to jail, because Ino provoked him, cornering him in an alleyway and hitting him with her handbag, screaming that he had murdered Choji several months ago. It wasn’t his fault that God required a sacrifice. He wasn’t really due for one in the next month or two but he supposed Lord Jashin wouldn’t _really_ mind. He wasn’t as strict as other people thought, anyway.

Dropping the napkins on the bonnet of someone’s car, which Kakuzu would probably hit him for out in the middle of the car park for, he stopped and concluded that it was  _definitely_ not his fault Kakuzu was being thrown into jail.

Nope. Not ever.

It was then Hidan realised there were clamps on the ute, as an officer was there waiting with it for the tow truck to appear, and he had no ride home. Fuck. Opening up Kakuzu’s wallet, he jiggled it around, looking for compartments for cash, but nothing. He thought about a taxi, but didn’t know if Kakuzu owned any credit cards or anything that required a pin. Hidan was one of those people who were totally abecedarian when it came to money. Luckily, Hidan worked out a lot at an expensive health club in the city which cost him $129.95 a week, so he decided that the best thing to do was jog all the way home.

About an hour later, zig zagging through town and nearly being run over by plenty of cars, tripping over abandoned shopping trolleys and putting his hoodie over when a police car drove past, he finally got home in the evening in the cold pouring rain.

He slammed the door hard, kicked his soaking shoes off, wanting to hit something. Sasori was absent, so Hidan picked his way through Deidara’s floordrobe and punched him square in the face.

“Wake up, Jeff!”

Deidara instantly covered the next blow with his one arm, pulling his pillow over his face.

“Ahdaskdh.”

“Did you fucking let the police in?”

Deidara squinted at him. “Er- what?”

Hidan took a deep breath, and shouted as loud as he could into Deidara’s ear with the intent of bursting an eardrum. “Did - you -  _fucking_  - let the  _FUCKING_ POLICE IN THIS MORNING!?”

“No, I fucking didn’t.”

“What? THEN WHY THE FUCK IS KAKUZU IN JAIL?”

“How the fuck am I supposed to know why Kakuzu is in jail, yeah?” Deidara demanded, rubbing his eyes and going to turn on his lamp with his left arm, but then of course remembered he didn’t have a left arm.

“Phantom limb much, bitch?” Hidan spat.

Deidara glowered at him, putting his messy hair behind his ears. He yawned widely, and looked at the clock. Deidara was a bit of a night owl. “So whats up?”

“We’re going to Kakuzu’s.” Hidan looked down and found some of Deidara’s clothes on the floor and threw them in his direction. He accepted them grudgingly, and started to get dressed.

“That’s the other side of fucking town. You look like you’ve been running, yeah.”

“They took his fucking ute, so that means they took my fucking transport. How am I supposed to fucking work then?”

“They might have just stuck him in some interview room and released him by now, yeah. You better check his phone.”

Hidan got out his cracked phone and rang through to Kakuzu several times, only going to voicemail.

“Fucking cunts took his phone.“ He wanted to throw his phone on the floor, but Deidara’s room was so messy he’d never find it again.

“He’d be in remand,” Deidara pointed out. “Remember when I was arrested for fireworks like, three years ago, yeah?”

“Oh yeah.” Hidan smirked at the memory. It was Deidara’s finest artistic moment.

“Go to Remand. He’s probably there. Ring them up, yeah.”

“Uh?” said Hidan, raising his eyebrows. “You ring them up.”

“No, you.”

“I don’t like ringing people. People are shitheads.”

“He’s  _your_  goddamn husband,  _you_  fucking ring.”

“He’s not my fucking husband, you bombsucking cunt, my morning glory goes to God.”

“What glory, yeah? How are decapitated chickens ‘glory?’ to your stupid God?”

The squabble lasted several more minutes, before Deidara finally gave into Hidan’s whinging about talking to people about things that did not include Jashinist preaching, until there was a slow knock on the door.

“I hope he’s back,” said Hidan. Deidara gave him a strange look as both of them left his bedroom and went into the hallway. “Then I can use his car for work.”

Deidara rolled his eyes, and unlocked and opened the door. Outside were two cars - a police car and a black vehicle. In front of them was Pain, one of Kakuzu’s acquaintances. As it was raining, and there was no shelter by the front door, Pain was getting soaking wet, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“Ranga man?” Hidan said, not believing his eyes. “What’s going on? Where the fuck is Kakuzu?”

“Relax, he’s not going anywhere,” said Pain, who was wearing a soaked pressed suit. His strange purple eyes lingered on them both. “He’s in custody in remand-”

“I told you that, you moron,” Deidara muttered in Hidan’s general direction. Hidan turned and snapped back at him, at which Deidara puffed up like a threatened cat and snarled.

Pain waited patiently for them to be quiet. It was a stark contrast to Kakuzu’s impatient moods which would cloud over like a storm, then kept going. The police officer slammed the drivers door shut. Hidan couldn’t see if it was Hoshigaki or Uchiha. “The ute and car are at the station, as he’s being investigated for the disappearance of Ino Yamanaka, who vanished at the end of June.”

Hidan slapped both hands to his cheeks, gasping with fake surprise. Deidara, on the other hand, only had one arm and couldn’t exactly do that, but his eyebrows rose up curiously instead.

“Ms Yamanaka’s DNA was found in the front of the car.”

Hidan had dragged her in with the tarp, making sure not to touch the front seat cause Kakuzu would be pissed. A strand of blonde hair must have been found somewhere, or a fingerprint. Kakuzu was very clean and cautious about everything he did. Hidan wouldn’t give a shit, but he didn’t have his own car - the one he had stolen for two years had been seized and returned to its original owner a while ago.

“I need that car for work, can’t they give it back?” he asked.

“No,” said Pain. “Get your own car. And also, the police have contacted me about bail.” He nodded towards the police officer who was walking up the driveway, an umbrella in his left hand.  

“Neither of us have money-” Hidan started to say, but Pain cut him off by silencing him by holding up his hand.

“These days people only require 10% of a bail fund. A lawyer can provide the rest, as long as he comes to court, and if he doesn’t, then the lawyer will find another way to retrieve the money back. His full bail is $75,000.”

“Kakuzu is smart as fuck, he don’t need no lawyer. He didn’t do shit.” Hidan got out his phone to use the calculator, as numbers meant nothing to him. “$7,500. So I need to make $7,500.”

“I’m his lawyer,” said Pain, raindrops dripping down his hair.

Deidara blinked at him. “I thought you were his real estate agent?”

“I’m everything,” he said. “Everything legal. I’m literally the God of Paperwork.”

“Geez, Saul, no wonder you look as tired as a single mother to quintuplets.”  

“Konan helps with the legal work,” Pain gave Hidan a slight, almost out-of-character smile.

“She’s a fucking godsend, then,” said Hidan. “What an angel.”

“And don’t ever hit on her again.” The smile instantly disappeared from Pain’s face.

“That was  _one_  time, okay… “ Hidan muttered, as the police officer stopped in front of them, holding an umbrella over Pain’s head.

“This is Asuma Sarutobi,” he said.

Hidan’s eyes widened as he caught the eye of the police officer.

“What the fuck?” Sarutobi looked a little uncomfortable, recognising Hidan. “Now you’re a corrupt cunt?”

Deidara looked between the three of them.

“He did this to my ear,” Hidan pointed towards the deep cut in his left ear. “Remember that car I had? Years ago when he found out I had stolen his car for over a year. Heh heh. Took a blade to the ear. I may be immortal but this never healed.”  

“Your friend needs to be bailed,” Asuma ignored Hidan, and spoke directly to Pain and Deidara, pretending Hidan wasn’t there. “Find a way to pay the fund and he can walk out immediately.”

“So I have his keys, gotta sell all his possessions. Everything.”

“You have his wallet, you took it off him at Bunnings,” Pain pointed out.

“Okay, so I have Kakuzu’s wallet, what am I supposed to do with it?” He searched through. “He’s got cards. He’s owns this house for crying out loud. Fucking sell it on Gumtree or some shit, I don’t know.”

Pain looked at him strangely. “Not a good idea, Hidan. I will give you a lift to his place. Apparently the dog needs feeding. The one you always steal.”

“I do not steal, I  _borrow_.”  

 

***

 

Kakuzu’s door had been fixed up with duct tape as it had been broken down by the police beforehand.  Asuma had disappeared, not before deliberately blowing cigarette smoke into Hidan’s face.

Pain had dropped them off; the freezing air conditioning in his car just made Hidan even more riled up. Deidara didn’t want to go, but Hidan had shoved him out the door, promising him that Kakuzu had a neat art collection. It was a lie, of course.

The poor dog was hungry, and his tail wagged when he saw Hidan break the door down.

“Fucking cops.” Hidan muttered, running his hand through Taki’s silky fur while Deidara searched through the cupboard for dog food. Of course Kakuzu used the fanciest brand he could find for Taki but never exactly splurged on himself. They fed him, and then Hidan went upstairs.

He knew Kakuzu kept receipts for everything in the metal cabinet by his desk. Opening it, everything was neatly  _organised_  into documents: Phone, Electricity, Gas, Water, Mortgage. He couldn’t quite fathom how organised Kakuzu was. Hidan barely kept track of what day it was.

There wasn’t anything of interest in Kakuzu’s office. Which was not surprising as Kakuzu was very boring. Hidan did once fantasize about ruining the desk by setting it on fire. He scrounged around the receipts to see what he could cash in, but to his disappointment most of Kakuzu’s possessions were from IKEA.

He called Deidara upstairs. Deidara came up holding a few clay birds, which he had given to Kakuzu for helping him with his finances once.

“Check out these masks,” said Hidan, picking up a ceramic white mask, which had a pointed beak like a bird and blue markings. “Creepy as fuck. How much could I sell them for on Gumtree?”

“Those things are ugly as sin and have no sentimental value. Nobody in their right mind would buy them, yeah.”

Hidan put one mask down and looked at the one next to it, a beast with large white teeth and lips.

“I bet they’re cursed. But however, my Stupid Fucking Housemate, we have a massive problem on our hands.”

Deidara nodded and Hidan kept talking.

“…Most of this shit is from Ikea. So we can’t just go to Cash Converters and pawn everything off. They ain’t gonna take this shit. We gotta do better.”

“Gumtree, yeah,” said Deidara. “I’ll put bombs in all is stuff-”

“No, Stupid Fucking Housemate, listen,” Hidan almost couldn’t believe he was the voice of reason here. Taki licked his fingers. “How about about robbing a bank?”

“Good idea,” Deidara said. “You can pay your rent too that way.”

 

***

 

Hidan ended up at the mall the next day. Taki was walking on a leash next to him, oblivious to his plans, as the thirteen black cats trailed after him in a straight line.

“I suppose you guys will have to help me after all,” Hidan said to the cats. “You managed to get me money before by being all performance like and all that bullshit. If anyone attempts to even take any of you guys, I’ll cut their heads off.”

He sat down in the middle of the mall, took out his phone, and put his baseball cap on the ground so people would give him money. Paying no attention to the cats, Taki sitting by him, he started to upload various items found around Kakuzu’s house on Gumtree. The masks, the Christmas tree he blew up, pots and pans, the bed (as long as the new owner would disassemble it by themselves), the TV which Hidan had bought with his own money and Kakuzu’s collection of antique books.

The fattest black cat sniffed Hidan’s cracked phone, and he held it up a little bit into the sunlight to see if he wrote everything correctly.

The black cats paraded in a circle once more, and Hidan could hear the clinks of metal as coins dropped into the cap. Bystanders were very impressed with the Jashin Cats, and kids came up to pat them.

“Nice animal show you have there. Do you have a permit to be using performing animals in the mall?”

Someone in a council uniform had come over, not looking pleased at the amount of animals in the mall. “Fuck no.” Hidan looked up at the council officer. “And you can fuck off.”

“Don’t make the police come and get you for assault,” the council worker warned. “Get out of here.”

He wanted to kill the man, but Hidan forced himself calmed down. God had given him his killing intent, which he had to control through sheer will. It was hard to not get out one of his spears and stab the the guy in public, but alas, it was the 21st century.

He almost went to Nandos afterwards, but then forgot a) he was poor and b) that money shit was supposed to be the I Will Bail Kakuzu Out Of Jail Fund.

He met Deidara at the bus stop - the cats had disappeared as they took their own ways back home. Deidara reached into his coat, retrieving a purse and two wallets.

“The only good thing about having one arm is people don’t realise you’re taking their wallet while they’re feeling sorry for you.”

They got onto the bus, because people who steal wallets shouldn’t be opening them in public as both of them were dickhead criminals but just smart enough to be good at it. Then they opened up the wallets at the back of the bus. The first wallet had no cash, but the owner was blonde, so Deidara kept the proof of age ID for future purposes.

“Next time don’t pickpocket uni students,” said Hidan.

“Shut the fuck up, yeah.”

The next wallet had a large amount of coins adding up to $5, and then the purse had-

Hidan threw the purse out the bus window when he realised it had only a five cent piece in it. There was a thunk as it hit a stop sign.

They got kicked out when the bus driver pointed out that Taki needed to be a service dog to be on the bus. Hidan began a torrent of abuse, and Deidara hit him on the back of the head when he tried to claim that Taki was a service dog because of his missing arm. Hidan flipped off the bus driver as they left, pissed about having to walk an extra twenty minutes home.

Once they were back, Sasori silently watched them take out the coins and count the amount of revenue they had accumulated.

All in all, Hidan and Deidara had raised $15 and 45 cents. Sasori slipped a $2 coin in later, as his donation.

Then someone actually bought the masks and the bed off of Gumtree, which meant they had to bike to Kakuzu’s again. All things considered, it had been a long hard day and both of them were tired.

“Did he actually do it?” Deidara asked, after neither of them could be bothered to go home. They lay on the couch, doing nothing. Taki curled up on Hidan’s belly, in good spirits as he was with his favourite person. The TV was on mute in the background.

“Do what?” Hidan grunted, looking around. He scratched the dog’s ears. He had been internally praying to Jashin that Kakuzu would be okay so that in the years to come, Hidan would be the one to kill him.

“Kill that Yamanaka woman.”

“Fuck no,” said Hidan truthfully. He paused, feeling deja vu creep up on him. “Kakuzu wouldn’t hurt a fly.” Deidara did not believe this, as Kakuzu was built like a brick and could smackdown Hidan with one finger.

 

***

 

Many of Kakuzu’s possessions were slowly sold off. Pain had rung Hidan claiming that ‘my client would like to leave custody’ to which Hidan’s response was ‘we’re fucking working on it’ and hanging up. Within the next few days, Hidan, with the help of Deidara, raised $200.00 in cash, and … nothing else, really.

“Anyone’s house we can rob, yeah?” Deidara looked extremely bored, being stuck at Kakuzu’s emptying house. “What about that police officer guy?”

Hidan blinked, looking up from the game on his phone. “Huh?”

“The night you stole his car,” said Deidara, “We broke into his father’s safe. That pervert guy who was the mayor-”

Hidan banged his fists onto the kitchen table, making Taki jump and yelp. “Stupid Fucking Housemate, why did we not think of this before!?”

 

***

 

Asuma Sarutobi’s father was the former mayor, and a “major source of dickheadness”, according to Hidan. Back in the day, they had robbed their house while Deidara was still in high school and needed cash for rent money. He probably didn’t even realise they had taken a few hundred dollars from a safe in Hiruzen Sarutobi’s office.

The large house Hiruzen lived in was one of those old homestead ones without much security. Hidan doubted the old fart even had wifi.

According to Pain, Asuma worked all day, so they would have to wait until Hiruzen left before going inside. There was a bus stop near the house, so Hidan and Deidara waited there, pretending to be catching a bus, looking like two youthful hooligans. Hidan saw his old car, the one he had stolen for two years, leave the driveway, with Hiruzen in the driver’s side.

They went up the steps, Deidara looking behind them in case Hiruzen returned. The garden was neat, with lavender bushes around the edges of the manicured lawn.

They reached the front door, checking for cameras, and seeing none. “The old mole left the door locked, how could he be so stupid?” Hidan muttered.

“Because that’s what people usually do when they leave their house, yeah.”   
  


Swivelling around to get his backpack, Hidan pulled out the spear he had used to sacrifice Ino, and a hammer he’d stolen from a train emergency stop. Using the spear as a nail, instead of tapping lightly, he whacked it as hard as he could, breaking the spear in half. The glass of the front door cracked, and the shards fell at his feet.

“Right, where’s his fucking safe -”

“Why are we wearing black?” Deidara complained. “Nobody is fucking here and it’s daylight, yeah.”

Hidan covered his hand with a cloth and unlocked the door from the inside. “Stop whining and hurry the fuck up.” His shoes crunched on the glass, which they trod into the carpeted hallway as Deidara made his usual distasteful comments about the artworks on the walls. It smelt like mothballs and mice, as if the people living here didn’t spend much time maintaining their house.

They went into Hiruzen’s office, which was dusty from lack of use, and covered in Zoo Magazine posters - probably much to the distaste of his deceased wife. It had not changed from the last time they were here. There was a large crystal ball in the centre of the table.

“Pervy  _and_  into tarot shit,” said Hidan, pulling a large pile of books down off the shelf. Deidara looked out the window to keep guard. “Seriously, what a fucking idiot. I bet he’s gone to some local strip club. I bet he hasn’t even moved the cash. Ah, found the fucking thing.”

The books tipped out the bookshelf, one hitting Deidara in the head. Hidan pulled out a small black safe. He shook it. “Yeah, it’s got cash in it. What a douchebag.”

They quickly put the books back, to make sure there was nothing out of place, and ran off. The only thing that indicated they had been there was the smashed front door. They took the bus back to theirs, the safe safely in Hidan’s backpack.  

“I left half the spear at Sarutobi’s, shit.”

Deidara shrugged. “That’s got Ino’s DNA on it, yeah?”

“Only on that half, thank Jashin-” Hidan stopped talking. “Okay, Stupid Fucking Housemate, you heard none of that.”

Deidara smirked.

 

***

 

“This will make the money burn if this safe blows sky high.”

Hidan shook the safe. They were in one of the fields outside the house they were currently living in. The houses were several hundred metres apart, which was useful for Deidara’s art. Hopefully, the unit they lived in previously would be mended soon.

“Use your bullshit magic powers to get the money out,” Deidara offered. “Then I’m going to bed, yeah.”

Hidan got out the gaslighter he’d used before at Ino’s ritual to ignite the petrol line they’d poured beforehand, and they waited for the fire to get to the safe, which Deidara had placed explosives on top of.

It exploded with a larger-than-necessary bang, sending rocks and dirt into the air. Hidan took a deep breath as the safe went up in flames, and then walked right into the centre of the explosion - his skin was bubbling, and he was dying several times. _All of this to get the car back,_ he thought, finding a hole in the safe and putting his hand in, getting as many notes out as he could.

 

***

 

“Hidan,” said Asuma, looking bored and nibbling on a pen, ink residue on the corner of his mouth.

“I’ve come to arrange bail for Kakuzu. 7.5k. You’re doing remand work now?” Hidan asked, leaning against the counter and putting his cheek almost against the glass, his breath fogging up the pane. Asuma’s eyes wandered over Hidan uninterestedly, then stopped at his left ear.

“Still ain’t healed.”

A faint smirk appeared Asuma’s lips. “Good.” He looked at his computer. “You’re here for Kakuzu, right?”

 _I just said that, idiot._  “Yeah, I got his bail money right here.”  _From your own house, fucker._

“You were supposed to give it to me to transfer,” said Pain, who had driven them to the facility. Konan, who had accompanied them, shook her head at Pain, as if non-verbally expressing that Hidan was a hopeless case.

Hidan turned the envelope upside down, and a very, very thick wad of rainbow notes fell out, some landing on the counter and some on the floor.

“Why did you do that?” Asuma did not look impressed, chewing nicotine gum and giving off a tropical scent.

“Always wanted to do that,” said Hidan. He picked up a green note. “Before now I’d never even  _touched_  a 100 dollar note. Kakuzu’s such a cheapskate.”

“Hmm,” said Asuma. “Is that the $7,500 from your account?” he asked, typing away.

“Nah, I sold half his shit on Gumtree. He’s probably gonna try and behead me when he finds out.”

“It was supposed to come from your account,” said Asuma, reading from the screen. “According to my notes.”

“Was it? I didn’t know that.” said Hidan, his nose touching the glass screen as he tried to see what he was typing. Asuma turned the computer away.

“According to Kakuzu’s profile, you two share a bank account,” he read out, clicking his mouse around and typing things in.

That didn’t make sense.

“What?”

Asuma looked back at him, indifferent.

“It says here you two are married,” he said offhandedly, rearranging the gum in his mouth.

WHAT.

Hidan was for once, momentarily, speechless. He wanted to say, ‘when did this happen?’ but all that came out was a squawk that sounded like a seagull. Then,

“…WHAT THE  _FUCK_?!”

“I think he gave you some paperwork to fill out?” volunteered Pain. Out of the corner of Hidan’s eye, he could see Konan looking away, trying not to laugh.

Hidan’s eyes widened. He now remembered the numerous signatures he had to write on some papers that Kakuzu had given him around a week ago. He hadn’t read nor paid attention to what it was, and Kakuzu never told him why he needed to sign them.

“…He may have forgot to tell me that little detail.”

Pain smirked. He then picked up the cash Hidan had put on the floor, and then took Kakuzu’s wallet from Hidan’s grasp.

“Next time you better read the paperwork before you sign it,” he said. He handed a bank card over to Asuma, who then started the process of taking the bail funds. Hidan noticed a sign on the glass window:  _No cash at these premises._

“I think I will…” said Hidan, as Pain gave the envelope of cash back to him. “Maybe I should buy his shit back. I’m fucked.”

 

***

 

When they finally let Kakuzu out, he looked extremely pissed that he was stuck in a small cell for four days while Hidan ran around gathering money. When he finally emerged past the security checkpoint, the first thing Hidan did was punch him in the face. Hard.

“You -  _fucking_  - cunt,” Hidan wasn’t usually the one to start fights with Kakuzu, usually he just taunted him till Kakuzu lost his temper. Blood dripped down from Kakuzu’s nose onto his lips, and he spat it out on Hidan’s face, who quickly turned away in case he turned into a panda bear again. The guards instantly opened the doors up, to pull Hidan away from Kakuzu.

“You didn’t _FUCKING_ tell me Pain married us-”

“How else were you going to get the bail money, you fucking moron?” Kakuzu snarled.

“Obviously, the-”

“I don’t want to hear your stupid excuse-”

“I’ve sold half your goddamn fucking possessions, bitch.”

The look on Kakuzu’s face was possibly the most angriest Hidan had ever seen. He swore he saw a vein bulge in his temple and possibly explode. Kakuzu didn’t say anything, as he was too angry to speak while he was having an aneurysm, so Hidan had the last word.

“Kakuzu, my Stupid Fucking Husband. I want a divorce. Now.”


End file.
